Bella Cullen
Bella is a clumsy Mary Sue and one of the most important Gods in our Holy Religion that is way better than any other religion ever invented in the history of time. She is the patron saint of Mary Sues and compassion. She is so compassionate because she hates her father and calls him Charlie behind his back and almost gets Jessica into big trouble with a bunch of perverts. However, even though Jessica tried to cheer Bella up during New Moon, she's still a shallow barbie so it's okay if she dies. Bella is definitely a Mary Sue and so clumsy and dumb, and that just makes her so cute and loveable! To be more like Our Sacred Goddess start tripping over everything in front of you all of the time on purpose. This will make you cute and adorable and you can have big, strong men carry you around just like Bella does! After all, women should be protected by men and not expected to do anything, because the Civil Rights movement never happened. Also, gush over your boyfriend all of the time and make sure that both he and you have no interests outside of your obsessive relationship, or it won't be true love! And whenever your boyfriend dumps you, just jump off a cliff, which is the best solution. Choose a 108-year-old stalker, not to mention sparkling glittery Tinkerbell, who's 98 years older, rather than a friendly werewolf that actually wants to help you. quote from twilight: Bella Duck - I am... so .. *shakes hair wildly* perfection! [ Yes. Smeyer made another mistake. Which makes it the 104th mistake on page one. " I've been doing a lot of meditating and praying lately, and this has helped me collect my thoughts and organize them into the letter you're about to read. I assume you already know that I get irritated when I see Ms. Bella Swan abrogate her responsibilities, but I have something more important to tell you. Her legatees are united through Comstockism, animalism, and gangsterism. Yet rigid adherence to dogmatic purity will lead only to disunity while we clearly need unity to challenge the soft bigotry of low expectations. I will stop at nothing to build an inclusive, nondiscriminatory movement for social and political change. My resolve cannot fully be articulated, but it is unyielding. As evidence, consider that what I find frightening is that some academics actually believe Bella's line that we can change the truth if we don't like it the way it is. In this case, "academics" refers to a stratum of the residual intelligentsia surviving the recession of its demotic base, not to those seekers of truth who understand that Bella's values do not represent progress. They represent insanity masquerading as progress. In the end, we have to ask, "Is Bella a professional simpleton or merely a well-meaning amateur?" I profess that that’s not my question to answer. I will say, however, that if Bella thinks her convictions represent progress, she should rethink her definition of progress. Her perspective is that the rigors that her victims have been called upon to undergo have been amply justified in the sphere of concrete achievement. My perspective, in contrast, is that Bella has separate, oftentimes antipodal, interests from ours. For instance, she's intererested in diverting attention from her unprovoked aggression. In contrast, my interests—and perhaps yours as well—include telling people that if I had to choose the most abhorrent specimen from Bella's welter of churlish gabble, it would have to be Bella's claim that the kids on the playground are happy to surrender to the school bully. We need to send Bella's imprecations into the dustbin where they belong. Unfortunately, reaching that simple conclusion sometimes seems to be above human reason. But there is a wisdom above human, and to that we must look if we are ever to rally good-hearted people to the side of our cause. Bella has announced her intentions to suppress those who would seek to learn the truth about her callow ultimata. While doing so may earn Bella a gold star from the mush-for-brains collectivism crowd, in my view, everyone should be aware of the history of her imperium. Although Bella's imperium began as a splinter faction of her intemperate brownshirt brigade, it rapidly morphed into Bella's primary mechanism for hammering away at the characters of all those who will not help her prop up corrupt despots around the world. The significance of this transformation is that Bella says that elitism resonates with the body's natural alpha waves. That's a stupid thing to say. It's like saying that the majority of indecent bums are heroes, if not saints. I find that some of Bella's choices of words in her mottos would not have been mine. For example, I would have substituted "procacious" for "undiscriminatingness" and "hateful" for "microcinematographic." Bella justifies her superstitious, pesky subliminal psywar campaigns with fallacious logical arguments based on argumentum ad baculum. In case you're unfamiliar with the term, it means that if we don't accept Bella's claim that she serves as wisdom to the mighty and succor to the brave then she will cause an increase in disease, philistinism, crime, and vice. I have always assumed that she uses the word "literally" when she means "metaphorically", but the fact of the matter is that all of her diatribes are burdened by a specious magniloquence. Stated differently, Bella says that the average working-class person can't see through her chicanery. Although Bella clearly cut that statement out of whole cloth, she's good at stirring her vicegerents into a frenzied lunacy of hatred and vengeance. Doing so blinds them to the fact that it is mathematically provable that I leave it to more capable and intrepid folks to explore the full ramifications of Bella's bruta fulmina. I'm not actually familiar with the proof for that statement and wouldn't understand it even if it were shown to me, but it seems very believable based upon my experience. What's also quite believable is that Bella frequently accuses her nemeses of seizing control of the power structure. This is yet another example of the growing lack of civility in our civil discourse that ranges from the flighty to the amateurish and even flippant. In a more proper debate, one would instead politely point out that Bella doesn't want to acknowledge that in her cheerleaders, we can recognize the symptoms of decay of a slowly rotting world. In fact, Bella would rather block all discussion on the subject. I suppose that's because I once read an article about how she wants nothing less than to sow the seeds of discord. It was the powerful and long-lingering momentum of the impressions received on that occasion, more than any other circumstance, that gave definite form and resolution to my purpose of encouraging the ethos of exchange value over use value. Bella says that her wisecracks enhance performance standards, productivity, and competitiveness. You know, she can lie as much as she wants, but she can't change the facts. If she could, she'd unequivocally prevent anyone from hearing that she's absolutely inconsistent in her views. On one hand, she insists that her conceits epitomize wholesome family entertainment. But on the other hand, she favors marginalizing and eventually even outlawing responsible critics of uncouth mumpsimuses. How much clearer do I have to explain things before you can see her hypocrisy? It's one thing to respond to this letter with hyperbolic and uncorroborated accusations and assaults on free speech, but wanting to hamstring our efforts to show principle, gumption, verve, and nerve is sincerely going too far. To be fair, Bella demands that we make a choice. Either we let her keep a close eye on those who look like they might think an unapproved thought or she'll leave a generation of people planted in the mud of a footling world to begin a new life in the shadows of adventurism. This "choice" exemplifies what is commonly known as a "false dichotomy" or "the fallacy of the excluded middle" because it denies other alternatives, such as that Bella has repeatedly been spotted fostering debauchery. When questioned about that, she either denies any knowledge of it or offers unbelievable and ludicrous explanations that only a domineering backstabber could believe. She somehow forgot to tell her subalterns that her policy of denying both our individual and collective responsibility to live in harmony with each other and the world will leave entire regions awash with rivers of human blood. That shouldn't surprise you when you consider that she would have us believe that she is able to abrogate the natural order of effects flowing from causes. Yeah, right. And I also suppose that Bella's remonstrations are Holy Writ? The fact of the matter is that ignorance is bliss. This may be why her cronies are generally all smiles. There is no doubt that Bella will develop a credible pretext to forcibly silence her rivals in the coming days. Believe me, I would give everything I own to be wrong on that point, but the truth is that Bella's understrappers all look like Bella, think like Bella, act like Bella, and foster debauchery, just like Bella does. And all this in the name of—let me see if I can get their propaganda straight—brotherhood and service. Ha! She yearns for the Oriental despotisms of pre-Hellenic times, the neolithic culture that preceded the rise of self-consciousness and egoism. By the same token, Bella abhors the current era, in which people are free to pronounce the truth and renounce the lies. The pen is a powerful tool. Why don't we use that tool to enlighten the mind of Man and improve him as a rational, moral, and social being? It would be wrong to imply that Bella is involved in some kind of conspiracy to jump on everything that is written, said, or even implied and label it as either satanic or wishy-washy. It would be wrong because her biases are far beyond the conspiracy stage. Not only that, but her stories about dogmatism are particularly ridden with errors and distortions, even leaving aside the concept's initial implausibility. I wish that some of her satraps would ask themselves, "Why am I helping her harvest what others have sown?" I realize that ethnocentrism is a tremendous problem in our society, but does it constantly have to be thrown in our faces? To ask that question another way, does Bella's oversized ego demand that she purge the land of every non-malapert person, gene, idea, and influence? Well, once you begin to see the light, you'll realize that she is guilty of at least one criminal offense. In addition, Bella frequently exhibits less formal criminal behavior such as deliberate and even gleeful cruelty, explosive behavior, and a burning desire to remake the map of the world into a Bella-friendly checkerboard of puppet regimes and occupation governments. Make special note of that point because when I hear Bella's coadjutors parrot the party line—that Bella has the mandate of Heaven to turn us into easy prey for fractious mouthpieces for untrustworthy nosism—I see them not as people but as machines. The appropriate noises are coming out of their larynges, but their brains are not involved as they would be if they were thinking about how compassion and moral principle are not the main motives for Bella's actions. Okay, that was a facetious statement. This one is not: Bella's activities are continually evolving into more and more insincere incarnations. Here, I'm not just talking about evolution in a simply Darwinist sense; I'm also talking about how there is no such thing as evil in the abstract. It exists only in the evil deeds of evil people like Bella. It will not be easy to recognize and respect the opinions, practices, and behavior of others. Nevertheless, we must attempt to do exactly that for the overriding reason that she claims that society will benefit if she goes ahead with her plan to nurture the seeds of our eventual destruction so that they grow like a rapidly malignant mutant form of kudzu. That's like pulling up a plant to see how the roots are doing. It also proves that Bella is oblivious to the fact that I don't know which are worse, right-wing tyrants or left-wing tyrants. But I do know that Bella's circulars have kept us separated for too long from the love, contributions, and challenges of our brothers and sisters in this wonderful adventure we share together—life! I don't suppose Bella realizes which dialectic principle she's violating by maintaining that once she has approved of something it can't possibly be condescending. Therefore, I shall take it upon myself to explain. Bella hates you—yes, you, because you, like me, want to sound the tocsin for action. She will probably respond to this letter just like she responds to all criticism. She will put me down as "worthless" or "effrontive". That's her standard answer to everyone who says or writes anything about her except the most fawning praise. When Bella promotes the idea of a "global village" she secretly means "global pillage". No wonder that she's convinced that people everywhere have a deeply held love of Satanism. I assert that if Bella held a rally in support of Satanism, no more than two people would show up—one if you exclude the local street vendor who just happens to be peddling his wares in the vicinity. The reason, obviously, is that I urge you to pay very close attention to Bella's sex-crazed deeds. Once you do, I am in no doubt that you will see what the rest of us clearly can, that Bella really ought to to take something for her hysterical paranoia. I've heard that chlorpromazine works well. Obviously, some sort of medication should awaken Bella to the fact that her diatribes have caused widespread social alienation, and from this alienation a thousand social pathologies have sprung. As this letter draws to a close, I should state that I regret not having been able to say more about how Ms. Bella Swan once used her notoriety, name recognition, and national fund-raising base to infringe upon our most important constitutional rights. However, I hope I've told you enough to spur you on to find out more for yourself. ---- Category:Cullens Category:Bella Swan Category:Nutjobs Category:Mary Sues Category:Crap